


blue

by amorbucky



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Cas is depressed, Depression, M/M, Teenage Castiel/Teenage Dean Winchester, love me some high school angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-11 22:44:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7073536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amorbucky/pseuds/amorbucky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>blue - /blo͞o/ - (of a person or mood) melancholy, sad, or depressed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	blue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys. This is the first fic I've ever written and been brave enough to post. It's angsty. Really angsty. I don't really know what the title is... If I write more in the future, it'll most likely be all angst, with a dash of fluff. This was supposed to be shorter, as I wanted it to be more of a drabble, but I got carried away. Anyways... Enjoy.

Cas knows that Dean doesn't feel the same. He knows that Dean will never say ‘I love you.’ Knows, for a fact, that Dean will not hold his hand and call him stupid pet names that will make him blush. Dean will never hold Cas the way that he's been dreaming about ever since 5th grade. 

Cas goes into school with puffy eyes and long sleeves. He's been crying all night, just thinking. He should be used to the sad feeling he gets every time he thinks about it, but it still manages to destroy him for at least a few days every single time. 

Dean is walking to class. Cas can see that much. He doesn't have his glasses, but he knows what Dean looks like so much, that he can spot him in the hallway, seeing him as a blurry, moving blob. 

Cas tries to get to his class as slow as he can, so if the tears start, he can run to the bathroom and lock himself in a stall through lunch. He's always skipped lunch. Dean always told him not to, though.

Dean and Cas became best friends in the middle of 5th grade. Cas really needed a pencil, or else he couldn't do his work that was due at the end of class, and, ultimately, he'd fail. He couldn't fail. He didn't fail. Dean was sitting right next to Cas, so he tapped his shoulder and simply said, “Hey, can I borrow a pencil?” He promised he'd return it after class, but he didn't have to. Dean had already come up to Cas and ask for it back. Before he invited Cas to sit with his friends at lunch. Even in the 7th grade, Cas already ate lunch alone. From then on, they'd been Dean and Cas. Until they drifted apart. 

When they entered their sophomore year, they were excited. They weren't freshmen anymore, they weren't the fresh meat. Dean’s classes were suddenly different than Cas’ though. They only shared one class together, and in the one, they didn't even sit by each other. Dean started dating more girls, and Cas started talking to everyone, including Dean, less and less. He never raised his hand in class anymore, or started up random conversations with his classmates. Dean was the one who brought that out in him. He was outgoing with Dean. Dean taught him how to be better. 

It's their senior year now, and they barely speak anymore, now back to small talk, like asking to borrow a pencil, or a piece of scrap paper. 

Cas gets to class before Dean, even though he was behind them. He must've stopped to make out with one of his girlfriends, Cas thinks. He should really stop being so pessimistic, but he can't find it in him to care enough. 

Sure enough, Dean comes in five minutes late, his hair messed up, freckled cheeks flush, all the signs he had been making out. 

Cas immediately looks down at his notebook and bites the inside of his cheek a few times. He just wants Dean to look at him. Just for a second. 

Dean, of course, sits down in front of Cas without a word. Nothing. That's what Cas should be used to by now, but it still hurts that Dean doesn't turn around, doesn't say anything. 

Cas is still used to Dean turning around and talking to him. But now, Dean sits there silently, not even acknowledging him.

-

After lunch, Cas starts heading outside, to sit. He doesn’t eat at school anymore, feeling too self-conscious that everyone is watching him. He used to eat with Dean, - there he goes, talking about Dean again - but when Dean stopped hanging out with him, Cas stopped eating in the lunchroom, then stopped eating altogether. 

He’s sitting outside on the concrete, his back pressed against the wall of the school, when he hears the door opening and closing, followed by footsteps. He thinks nothing of it, a lot of people leave campus for lunch, they’re headed to their cars most of the time. 

But this time, he paid attention to who was walking. He didn’t look at them of course, that’d be obvious that he was checking to see who it was, so he keeps his head down. The only thing that moves are the feet in front of him and his eyes, directing them upwards to be able to see as much as the person he can without tilting his head up. 

He recognizes the shoes. 

Dean. 

\- 

Dean goes to school feeling horrible. He’s been up all night, thinking. Thinking about things. About Cas. About whether he loves Cas. He comes to a conclusion at about four in the morning. He does. He loves Cas. His best friend, - ex-best friend, but that was Dean’s fault - Castiel. He’s in love with him. The thought makes him want to cry. 

He hasn’t slept at all, so he’s walking slow - so slow, that he’s ten minutes late to his first period. He doesn’t care, though. Who cares about class? Really, he’s in his senior year and they expect him to make it on time to his classes. 

He walks in and the first thing - person - he sees is Cas. Fuck. Cas isn’t looking at him, though. He’s looking down at his notebook, ignoring Dean. 

Dean decides to just walk to his seat. He doesn’t care that Cas isn’t looking at him. Why would he? Because he loves him, that’s why. He goes through the rest of the day in a shitty mood. Is it because Cas didn’t look at him? Is it because he spent all night thinking about Cas, but then he doesn’t even look at him when he walks into class? He’s bitter, and he knows that. He’s also ashamed. He abandoned Cas when they went into sophomore year. If he hadn’t had done that, maybe he wouldn’t be in this mess. Dean could’ve told Cas a long time ago, and then maybe - just, maybe - they’d be together, or at least friends if Cas didn’t feel the way. 

At lunch, Dean looks for Cas, but he doesn’t see him. He never sees him at lunch anymore. 

Then, he sees him, and he’s walking towards the doors, to go outside. He sucks in a breath. Shit. What is he going to do? Dean actually doesn’t know what to do. He waits for a few minutes before starting to walk towards the doors. To do that, though, he has to walk through the whole entire lunchroom, giving him time to think things over. Does he really wanna tell Cas? Should he? He could ruin the only chance he has for them to become friends again. 

Dean gets outside and he walks a bit, going around the side of the school building, seeing Cas sitting with his back against the wall. Cas’ head is down, and he’s not doing anything but staring down at his lap. He looks too small, Dean thinks, Too thin. Dean can’t remember a time when Cas ever looked so small, even when they met. 

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck! He doesn’t know what to do. He finally decides to just walk over, and he feels like he’s going to pass out. When he gets to Cas, he doesn’t look up, and it worries Dean. Why isn’t he looking up? Does Cas hate him? Dean can’t blame Cas if he does. It’s been long since they last talked, too long. 

Dean chances it and sits beside Cas, but he keeps his distance. He’s nervous. He’s so fucking nervous. 

When he does decide to speak up, all he can manage to say is, “Hey.” Really, Dean? “Hey.”? You don’t speak to him for three years and all you can say is “Hey.”? 

-

Cas is surprised. He’s so surprised he’s about to cry. Then one more sentence, barely spoken, but it’s more than enough. 

“How’ve you been?”

He looks up at Dean and furrows his eyebrows, squinting his eyes. He wants to speak. So he does, 

“You don’t- You don’t talk to me, you ditch me, for three whole years, and that’s the thing you think is appropriate to say? How about, “Hey, Cas, I’m sorry I abandoned you for a whole other group of friends, even though I was friends with you first.”? How about, “You were my best friend for six years, and I made the mistake of leaving you alone for all that time.”? Cas is infuriated, he wants to get up. He wants to get up and leave… But… He can’t. He can’t leave Dean. He can’t leave Dean like Dean left to him. Cas doesn’t want to give him a chance to talk, but he does anyway. He’d do anything for Dean. If Dean came over here to tell him to fuck off, even if he didn’t do anything wrong, he’d leave. He’d leave right then, and never come back, because Dean told him to.

-

Dean is completely, utterly speechless. He didn’t think Cas would be so angry. He didn’t. Cas is angry. Cas is angry, and Dean is the one who caused that anger. Castiel gets scary when he’s mad. You can see it in his eyes, and he clenches his jaw, and his hands and balled into fists in his lap. 

After Cas is done talking, Dean doesn’t even want to confess anymore, he wants to leave. He wants to go home, and get drunk, and do whatever the hell he can to forget the way Cas looked at him with anger in his eyes. 

But instead, he speaks. It’s quiet outside, so his voice seems loud to his own ears. “Cas, I… I’m sorry I left you. I got pulled into the stuff of high school, and now I feel bad. I feel horrible, Cas. I didn’t want to leave you. I just…,” Dean sighs and rubs his temples, “I’m so sorry, Cas.”

He feels like he could cry. He might. He’s never cried in front of Cas, and he doesn’t want to now. Dean doesn’t want the littlest bit of respect Cas has for him to go away. Especially not now, when he’s about to say what he realized he’s wanted to say since 8th grade. 

He takes a deep breath, looks down at his shoes, and says…

“Cas… I love you.”

-

Castiel isn’t sure he heard Dean right. Did he really just say what he thinks he said? Cas decides to look up at Dean, since he looked back down at the pavement after his miniature rant. Dean’s looking at him with the utmost sincerity in his eyes, and he feels like he can’t breathe. The way Dean’s looking at him. He wants to scream and cry, laugh and smile, wants to hug Dean until everything’s okay… 

So he does. 

He wraps his arms around Dean as tight as he can manage without hurting him, and it feels right. It feels like he should’ve been doing this the whole time. Of course, he’s hugged Dean before, but now… now feels right. 

He nearly jumps when he feels Dean’s arms wrap back around him in retaliation, and he closes his eyes.

Cas feels okay. He feels okay with Dean’s arms around him. 

He relaxes into Dean’s chest, feels Dean’s arms tighten around him the tiniest bit, and he thinks everything is going to be okay.


End file.
